I foolishly went to a garden center today. God the humanity! And I had to drive a million miles to get there. I was on the hunt for bamboo fencing and finally located some via phone in Inver Grove Heights at Gerten's. I've heard of Inver Grove Heights and had a vague idea where it was but...just...OMG! I've heard of the Minnesota River but...just�OMG�it was sheer wilderness. I knew 494 continued on past the airport but I never had cause to continue driving. Well let me tell you if you keep going past the airport and past the enormous sprawl of the Minnesota River you will eventually come upon Inver Grove Heights.

Be afraid! Be very afraid!!

It's nothing but SUV's and groupings of track homes all the same nauseating color of beige. And tons and tons of really scary people grabbing for geraniums like a crack whore lurching for the pipe! I am so not even lying. After driving 31 miles to get there, parking in the overflow lot, promising an agitated Sassafras that I would return I turned and stared at the monstrosity known as Gertens. I knew I wouldn't have trouble finding my car as it was the only actual car in a sea of SUV's and Mini-Vans!

I actually thought about getting back in my car and driving off but I really wanted that bamboo fencing! I waited for the crossing guard (yep!) to wave me across the street and headed into the first circle of hell. Everywhere I looked were white people wearing Dockers! After multiple inquiries and constant dodging of small children I finally found the lusted after Bamboo Fencing.

Let me take a moment and say...no one finds children staggering around a store charming. Put the lovely cherubs in a cart or better yet leave the little bastards at home! The rest of the world should not have to suffer because you work all week and don't spend enough time with your kids. And by-the-way dragging your kids along with you to a garden center on Memorial Day is not quality time! One moron had what appeared to be a one week old baby strapped to him while he debated which hanging basket to purchase. Whatever happened to swaddling a new born and putting it in the bassinet to sleep? It's tiny bare legs appeared to be trying to curl up in the fetal position but couldn't because it was pressed flat to the fathers chest! Come On!

I resisted the urge to abandon my cart reminding myself how close I was to owning 33 feet of bamboo fencing. I made it to the check out and was almost clear of the place when the teen-age check-out chick asked me what I was going to do with Bamboo Fencing. What? What would anyone do with Bamboo Fencing? I was sooooo irritated at this point I looked at "Courtney" and said, "Use it as fencing." She giggled and said, "Oh really!". I squinted at her and made a "O" with my mouth as if I was going to say something and then just stared at her for like 5 seconds. I think I scared her. She probably went home and told her mom she waited on some crazy lady today.

I have never been so happy to see the downtown skyline in my life as I made my way back up 35W. I like living in a city neighborhood. I like that there are different kinds of people on my block...old, young, single, married, kids, black, white, Asian...I can't imagine living in a place where everyone was the same. I think I would literally go insane. I think I literally did go temporarily insane. But all was made right when I put up the Bamboo Fencing. I was standing there admiring it when I heard my crabby, old neighbor call out to me and start bitching about the sticks in his yard from my big, old tree! I'll take that crazy, old man over the mob of Stepfords in the Suburbs any day.