Sunday Evening - 6:03 p.m.
Well, really, I should say �we� survived the cat show. Lisa, her daughter Anna, my neice Livvie and I. Lisa�s husband Dave was left behind with the brothers�somehow I think he got the better deal! People! Have you ever been to a cat show? This was actually the Pet Expo with a cat show in it. It was huge�it was at the convention center downtown.
Also at the convention center on Saturday was the Ameri-Cup Dance competition (whatever the hell that means!). O.M.G�.I would have sawed my arm of with a rusty butter knife for a camera. Everywhere you looked their were �dance� girls�you know�remember High School�the dance line�sparkly costumes, tons of makeup, ballet slippers, knee drops, crying and hugging�so multiple that by 1000! And then throw in their mothers! Ladies! Let your kids live their own lives please. What�s happening! Good stuff people. It felt like we were in the Twilight Zone! And then we found the Hall that held the cat show and suddenly we went from the Twilight Zone to HELL!
WOW! Cat people! WOW! They are some weird ass people. Lisa turned to me and said (paraphrasing) �they didn�t need to make Best In Show they could have just turned the camera on these people!� There was one dude�totally buzzed hair, one shiny earring, a fanny pack who was showing like 5 Persians! He paraded around in a huff as if he were irritated to be there. WHAT? WHY? And then there was the lady with hair parted in the middle, brown-gray hanging way past her ass! She was wearing glasses from 1982 and wearing god knows what on her body�again Lisa says , �just take a picture of her that pretty much describes the place�. Of course we were laughing our butts off and sweet, adorable, 12 year old, cat loving Anna turns around with a stern look on her face and tells us we are being too loud. It was like when my mom would reprimand Cynthia and me in church! HA!
Oh yeah�have you ever seen a hairless male that hasn�t been neutered! I hadn't. And densely asked Lisa what was hanging off his butt! HA! She said and I qoute, �That�s his mince�. To which I shout/whispered, �His Package! EEEWWWW� and she whispered back, �It�s Package Day at the cat show!� That was for all the Clay fans!! We then began to rewrite Clay songs to entertain ourselves�.
�I survived The Cat Show,
I survived the hairless cat package,
I survived the Friskies promotional show,
I survived all the "Mary�s",
It almost killed me but
I survived a Cat Show�
OK that�s a horrible rewrite but we were crazy out-of-minds�trying to be happy and interested so as not to ruin it for the girls but we were jonesin� to get the hell out of hell!
We viewed cats in their crates and attempted to talk to the people showing them. Right! I�m sorry but if you are wearing a button that says �Ask Me About Me Breed�, you should have the ability to speak. I�m just sayin�! Bitchy, Bitchy, Bitchy! The best part was Livvie would walk up to them and very politely in her sweet 5 year voice say, �can I pet your cat?�, and some would literally blanch at the thought of it. Others would let her but they would make her rub her hands with anti-bacterial gel. Fer Sure! The cat is licking it�s butt and walking in a litter box that has been peed and pooped in and they are worrying about people touching the damn cats back for 2 seconds.
Then there was the Friskies promotional show�we learned that cats like snacks and that they like to take naps. No? Really! And they had a �state of the art� cat tree. The whore emcee actually referred to the cat tree as �state of the art��I asked Lisa, �When did Cat Trees go digital?�. It was a carpet covered climbing cat tree�how is that �state of the art�. It looked like something you�d make in your garage. Of course the girls were eating it up like starving street cats. Speaking of that the cats in the show were starving�the emcee would say, �Look at how Mr. Toolbox (that was his real name�I didn�t make that up�remember it was package day at the Cat Show!) runs to the top of his cat tree� and then out shot Mr. Toolbox seeking food which he finds on every step of the cat tree and meanwhile you hear the trainer clicking away! For God sakes people if you want a dog get a dog�don�t try to train cats to do dumb tricks and don�t starve them in effort to turn them into some sorta of performing pony!
By the time we left there like 3 hours later I was positively cross-eyed! Let�s be real�I am a dog person! And that�s a whole �nother matter.
